CALM THE ALARM
We settle the threat response that fires when someone might be displeased – in session, directly. Most women feel some relief by the end of session one.
WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Brisbane-Based People pleasing. Everyone else comes first? Here’s why you learned that.
If you say yes when you mean no, feel responsible for everyone’s mood, apologise before anyone is upset, and only relax once everyone else is okay – this page is for you. People pleasing isn’t kindness gone too far. It’s a nervous system that learned keeping others happy was the way to stay safe.
BOOK A PRIVATE CONSULTATION35+ five-star Google reviews · Some relief by the end of your very first session
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“I don’t like talking about my problems. Acknowledging I wanted help was hard enough. This is where Sarah helped a lot! In short, I’m creating better boundaries with others and feel more confident in myself and my future.”
Claire H. · Google Review
WHAT IT IS
People pleasing is the fawn response: safety through approval.
Most people know fight, flight and freeze. There is a fourth survival response: fawn. When a threat can’t be fought or escaped, the nervous system tries to neutralise it by appeasing – being agreeable, useful, easy and liked. It works. That’s why it sticks.
- Saying yes when you mean noAgreeing in the moment, then dreading it, resenting it, or doing it anyway.
- Managing everyone’s moodsReading the room constantly, adjusting yourself before anyone has asked you to.
- Apologising in advanceSorry to bother you. Sorry, quick question. Sorry for having a need.
- Over-givingDoing more than your share – at work, at home, in friendships – and feeling guilty when you stop.
- Losing track of what you wantBeing asked what you’d like and realising you don’t know.
- Resentment and exhaustionGiving so much that there’s nothing left – and quietly resenting the people you give it to.
WHAT CAUSES IT
You learned that your needs were a risk to the relationship.
People pleasing is learned wherever love, approval or safety depended on how you behaved. A parent whose mood ran the house. A partner who punished disagreement with coldness or anger. A home where being ‘no trouble’ was the way to be loved. Your nervous system drew the obvious conclusion: keep them happy, and you’ll be okay.
The conscious brain · Prefrontal cortex
Where you know you’re allowed to say no.
You’ve read about boundaries. You can script the sentence. Then the moment comes, your chest tightens, and ‘of course, no problem’ is out before you’ve decided anything.
The subconscious brain · Limbic system
Where the yes actually comes from.
The fawn response fires below thought, the instant it senses someone might be displeased. Until that alarm is settled, boundary scripts will keep losing to it – which is why my treatment works here.
WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU
It was intelligent. It kept you safe. It’s just no longer needed.
Fawning is what a smart nervous system does when it has no power. If you couldn’t leave, couldn’t fight and couldn’t disappear, being easy to be around was the best protection available. You didn’t choose it. You adapted to it – and it probably got you through.
The problem is that it doesn’t switch off when the danger passes. It keeps running with your partner, your boss, your friends, your children – people who were never going to punish you for having a need. So you keep paying a price for a threat that is no longer there.
This is why ‘just set boundaries’ has never worked for you. A boundary is a decision made by the thinking brain. The yes is a reflex from the survival brain, and it gets there first.
There is nothing wrong with you. Your system is on high alert, trying to protect you. It can learn to stand down.
IS RECOVERY POSSIBLE?
Yes. When the alarm settles, no becomes a word you can say.
When the experiences that taught your nervous system to appease are resolved, the fawn response stops firing at ordinary life. Saying no stops feeling dangerous. Your own needs come back into view. And the people who love you get the real you, not the managed version. That is what a Bespoke Therapy Program is built to do.
RESOLVE WHERE IT CAME FROM
Using attachment-focused EMDR and other proven methods, the relationships that taught you safety meant approval are processed and filed as past.
REBUILD YOUR BOUNDARIES
With the reflex quiet, we build the skill of knowing what you want, saying it clearly, and holding it – without the guilt.
Every program is written for you, session by session, with the result each one is working towards agreed before we begin – and progress measured as we go.
YOUR NEXT STEP · BRISBANE AND WORLDWIDE
Ready when you are...
Let’s get you back on your own side.
Book your private 15-minute consultation. We’ll talk about what’s been going on, and exactly how I can help you resolve it.
No pressure and no obligation – just an honest conversation about what’s possible for you.
I work with no more than 10 women at a time. Book your private consultation today.
BOOK A PRIVATE CONSULTATION RETURNING CLIENTSBy phone or online. No referral or mental health plan required.
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