WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Rules, lists, and never good enough? Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
When someone you love has to have everything their way, home can feel like a workplace with no days off. Here’s what obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is, how it differs from OCD, and how to raise it without getting into a fight about who’s right.
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PART 1WHAT IT IS
What is obsessive-compulsive personality disorder?
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a long-standing preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and control, at the expense of flexibility, openness and efficiency.
It’s different from OCD. In OCD, people have unwanted, intrusive thoughts and compulsions they usually wish they could stop. In OCPD, the rules and standards feel right, so the person sees other people as the problem. It belongs to Cluster C, the “anxious or fearful” group, and is one of the most common personality disorders.
Cluster CAnxious or fearful
What it can look like from the outside
- Lost in the detailsSo focused on rules, lists and schedules that the point gets lost.
- Perfectionism that stops progressTasks don’t get finished because they’re never quite right.
- Work comes firstDevoted to work and productivity at the expense of rest and relationships.
- Rigid about right and wrongInflexible about morals, values and “the right way”.
- Won’t delegateUnless it’s done exactly their way.
- Stubborn and tight with moneyRigid, hard to shift, and reluctant to spend, even on themselves.
WHAT’S UNDERNEATH
The agenda that doesn’t change.
Dr Gregory Lester teaches that every personality disorder is organised around an agenda: a core need that stays the same whatever the situation, and drives how the person sees you and responds to you. Once you can see the agenda, the behaviour starts to make sense, and you can stop taking it so personally.
Here’s how I’d sum up the agenda in obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: To stay in control and get it right. Mistakes, mess and uncertainty feel dangerous, so control feels like safety.
Where it comes from. Often a strict, critical or controlling upbringing, where approval depended on performance and mistakes weren’t allowed, combined with a temperament that leans towards order.
Easily confused with
- OCDIntrusive thoughts and rituals the person usually hates. People can have both, but they’re different conditions.
- AutismA strong need for routine and sameness that comes from difference, not from perfectionism.
- High standards that workConscientiousness is a strength. It becomes a problem when it costs health, relationships and joy.
PART 2IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS IT
How to raise it without the drama.
Before you say anything
They probably see their standards as correct, and sometimes they are. Arguing about the right way to stack the dishwasher goes nowhere.
What they may acknowledge is the cost: stress, exhaustion, poor sleep, health problems, burnout, conflict at work, or never being able to switch off.
What tends to help
- Speak their language
Logic, efficiency and outcomes. A calm, organised conversation lands better than an emotional one.
- Name the cost to them
“You’ve worked every weekend this year and you haven’t had a proper break. I’m worried about you.”
- Bring one or two specific examples
Not a list of everything that’s wrong. A list becomes something to argue with line by line.
- Suggest help for stress or burnout
A GP check-up for sleep, blood pressure or exhaustion is an easier first step than “therapy”.
- Give them control of the process
Let them research options and choose. Control is what helps them feel safe enough to try.
- Hold your own boundaries
“I’ll stack it my way when it’s my turn.” You don’t need to win the argument to live your own life.
Drama traps to step around
Most of these traps are a corner of the drama triangle: rescuing, attacking or collapsing. Seeing which corner you’ve been pulled into is the first step out.
The trap
Arguing about the right wayInstead
You’re debating their safety system. You won’t win, and it isn’t the point.The trap
Taking over to prove a pointInstead
It becomes a power struggle, and everyone loses.The trap
Criticising in their own styleInstead
Matching their perfectionism with a perfect case against them backfires.The trap
Expecting overnight flexibilityInstead
Change comes slowly. Notice small shifts.
You can offer help. You can’t make an adult take it. For more on staying out of the drama, read Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
PART 3WHAT HELP LOOKS LIKE
Help for them, and where to start.
Therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or schema therapy, can help loosen rigid rules and perfectionism. People with OCPD often come to therapy for burnout, depression, anxiety or relationship strain, and the outlook is reasonably good when they’re motivated.
Their GP is the place to start, and can refer them to a psychologist with a Mental Health Treatment Plan.
WHERE I COME IN
They need their own help. You deserve yours.
Living with someone else’s rules can leave you second-guessing everything you do. Many women I work with also carry very high standards of their own. I help women quieten the inner critic, settle the nervous system and stop living as if they’re always being marked.
I help women who are experiencing abuse from someone with a personality disorder, and women who need help managing a relationship with someone who has one. These relationships often bring a great deal of anxiety, trauma and drama into your life. I don’t diagnose or treat personality disorders. My work is with you: resolving the impact on your nervous system, your confidence and your sense of self, and helping you step out of the drama for good.
You don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me. I’m a private practice, so you can book a private 15-minute consultation directly. If I’m not the right fit for what you need, I’ll tell you honestly, and point you to who is.
Their rules aren’t the measure of you. Good enough is good enough.
THE PERSONALITY DISORDERS SERIES
Read about each type.
What is a personality disorder? · The 10 types at a glance · Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
This page draws on Australian health services, the diagnostic manual clinicians use (DSM-5-TR), and Dr Gregory Lester’s training on personality disorders.
- Personality disordershealthdirect AustraliaWhat personality disorders are, the main types, and where to get help in Australia.
- Project Air Strategy for Personality DisordersUniversity of WollongongAustralian information, guidelines and family and carer resources for personality disorders.
- SANESANE AustraliaInformation, peer support and counselling for people affected by complex mental health issues, including personality disorders.
- Gregory Lester, PhD: speaker profilePESIDr Lester’s background, including his 2,000+ personality disorder trainings and his role as an original research site for the DSM-5 personality disorders revision.
YOUR NEXT STEP · BRISBANE AND WORLDWIDE
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