WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Longing to connect, too afraid to try? Avoidant personality disorder.
Some people want closeness desperately, but fear of rejection keeps them on the outside. Here’s what avoidant personality disorder is, and how to make help feel safe enough to try.
SAVE AS PDF / PRINT ▸
PART 1WHAT IT IS
What is avoidant personality disorder?
Avoidant personality disorder is a long-standing pattern of social inhibition, feeling inadequate, and being extremely sensitive to criticism or rejection.
Unlike someone with schizoid traits, a person with avoidant traits wants connection. Fear gets in the way. It overlaps a lot with social anxiety, and belongs to Cluster C, the “anxious or fearful” group.
Cluster CAnxious or fearful
What it can look like from the outside
- Avoids people-heavy situationsTurns down jobs, promotions or activities for fear of criticism.
- Needs to be sure of being likedWon’t get involved with people unless certain of acceptance.
- Holds back, even in close relationshipsAfraid of being shamed or ridiculed if they open up.
- Preoccupied with rejectionReplays social moments, looking for signs of disapproval.
- Sees themselves as inferiorBelieves they’re inept, unappealing or less than others.
- Won’t take risksAvoids anything new in case it’s embarrassing.
WHAT’S UNDERNEATH
The agenda that doesn’t change.
Dr Gregory Lester teaches that every personality disorder is organised around an agenda: a core need that stays the same whatever the situation, and drives how the person sees you and responds to you. Once you can see the agenda, the behaviour starts to make sense, and you can stop taking it so personally.
Here’s how I’d sum up the agenda in avoidant personality disorder: To avoid rejection and humiliation. Safety comes first and connection second, even when connection is what they long for.
Where it comes from. A shy, sensitive temperament combined with experiences of rejection, criticism, bullying or shaming, often in childhood or adolescence.
Easily confused with
- Social anxietyVery similar, and often both are present. Social anxiety may be limited to certain situations; avoidant patterns run through the whole personality.
- Schizoid personalityPeople with schizoid traits don’t much want connection. People with avoidant traits do.
- AutismSocial difficulty that comes from difference rather than fear of judgement.
PART 2IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS IT
How to raise it without the drama.
Before you say anything
The good news: avoidant patterns usually respond well to therapy.
The catch is that therapy itself, talking to a stranger about yourself, is exactly what they fear. Your job is to make the first step as small and safe as possible.
What tends to help
- Lead with warmth and no judgement
Any hint of criticism confirms the fear. Gentle and matter-of-fact is best.
- Normalise it
“So many people feel like this, and it’s really treatable” takes away some of the shame.
- Make the first step small
One email, one short online appointment. Talking from home is far easier than walking into a waiting room.
- Offer practical help, with their consent
Find a few names together, or sit with them while they send the email. Don’t do it behind their back.
- Celebrate the step, not the outcome
Booking the appointment is the win, however the session goes.
- Be patient if they back out
Cancelling is common. Come back to it gently, without guilt.
Drama traps to step around
Most of these traps are a corner of the drama triangle: rescuing, attacking or collapsing. Seeing which corner you’ve been pulled into is the first step out.
The trap
Pushing them in the deep endInstead
Throwing them into social situations “to toughen up” usually deepens the fear.The trap
Pointing it out in front of othersInstead
Public attention is their worst nightmare.The trap
Doing everything for themInstead
Rescuing feels kind, but it can keep avoidance going. Support them to do it themselves.The trap
Taking their withdrawal personallyInstead
It’s fear, not a lack of love.
You can offer help. You can’t make an adult take it. For more on staying out of the drama, read Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
PART 3WHAT HELP LOOKS LIKE
Help for them, and where to start.
Avoidant patterns usually respond well to therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or schema therapy, which help people test their fears gradually and build a kinder view of themselves.
Their GP can refer them to a psychologist with a Mental Health Treatment Plan, which gives Medicare rebates.
WHERE I COME IN
They need their own help. You deserve yours.
Loving someone who keeps pulling back can leave you feeling shut out and helpless. I help women with the worry, the over-functioning and the people-pleasing that can grow around a relationship like this, so you can support them without losing yourself.
I help women who are experiencing abuse from someone with a personality disorder, and women who need help managing a relationship with someone who has one. These relationships often bring a great deal of anxiety, trauma and drama into your life. I don’t treat avoidant personality disorder. I do help women with avoidance, fear of judgement and low confidence that aren’t part of a personality disorder. My work is with you: resolving the impact on your nervous system, your confidence and your sense of self, and helping you step out of the drama for good.
You don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me. I’m a private practice, so you can book a private 15-minute consultation directly. If I’m not the right fit for what you need, I’ll tell you honestly, and point you to who is.
Fear keeps them small. Patience, not pressure, makes room to grow.
THE PERSONALITY DISORDERS SERIES
Read about each type.
What is a personality disorder? · The 10 types at a glance · Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
This page draws on Australian health services, the diagnostic manual clinicians use (DSM-5-TR), and Dr Gregory Lester’s training on personality disorders.
- Personality disordershealthdirect AustraliaWhat personality disorders are, the main types, and where to get help in Australia.
- Project Air Strategy for Personality DisordersUniversity of WollongongAustralian information, guidelines and family and carer resources for personality disorders.
- SANESANE AustraliaInformation, peer support and counselling for people affected by complex mental health issues, including personality disorders.
- Gregory Lester, PhD: speaker profilePESIDr Lester’s background, including his 2,000+ personality disorder trainings and his role as an original research site for the DSM-5 personality disorders revision.
YOUR NEXT STEP · BRISBANE AND WORLDWIDE
Whenever you’re ready...
Want to talk it through?
If we’re already working together, bring this to our next session, or email me any time between sessions.
If a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder is taking a toll on you, you’re welcome to book a private 15-minute consultation. No referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan needed. No pressure and no obligation – just an honest conversation about whether I’m the right fit, and if not, who is.
New to working with me? Start with a private consultation, wherever you are in the world.
BOOK A PRIVATE CONSULTATION RETURNING CLIENTSBy phone or online, from anywhere in the world. No referral or mental health plan required.
35+ five-star Google reviews
