WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
Walking on eggshells. The same fight with a different cast. Wondering if you’re the problem. If this sounds familiar, here’s how to make sense of what’s happening, how to raise it without starting a war, and how to stop getting pulled into the drama.
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PART 1WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
When it’s more than a hard patch.
- The same story, a different castEvery job, friendship and relationship ends the same way, and it’s always someone else’s fault.
- You walk on eggshellsYou plan conversations, edit yourself and brace for their reaction.
- You doubt your own memoryYou’re told things didn’t happen the way you remember, so often that you start to believe it.
- The rules keep changingWhat was fine yesterday is a betrayal today.
- Big highs, sudden lowsIntense closeness, then coldness or rage, often with no warning.
- You’ve lost yourselfYour needs, friends and confidence have quietly shrunk to fit around theirs.
These patterns can have many causes, including stress, trauma, addiction, depression or an abusive relationship. A personality disorder is one possibility, when the pattern has lasted for years and shows up almost everywhere in their life.
A WORD ABOUT LABELS
You don’t need a diagnosis to trust what you see.
It’s natural to want a name for what you’re living with. A name can be a huge relief. But only a psychiatrist or psychologist can diagnose a personality disorder, and a label used as an accusation almost always backfires.
Focus on patterns and their effect on you, not the label. You don’t need to know whether it’s “really” narcissistic personality disorder to set a boundary, protect your children or get support for yourself.
PART 2BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE
Check that it’s safe to raise.
If they’re violent, threatening, controlling your money or who you see, or you’re afraid of how they’ll react, don’t raise it alone. That isn’t a communication problem. It’s a safety problem, and it needs a plan.
HOW TO RAISE IT
One calm conversation beats ten big ones.
- Get clear on your goal
Is it for them to see a GP? To get help with drinking, or depression? Pick one small, realistic goal, not “admit what they’re doing”.
- Pick a calm moment
Never in the middle of an argument, a crisis, or late at night. Private, unhurried and calm.
- Lead with care and their pain
“You’ve seemed so stressed and unhappy lately. I care about you, and I’m worried.” People accept help for what hurts them, not for what annoys you.
- Describe behaviour, not character
“When you shouted at Mia on Saturday” rather than “you’re abusive” or “you’re a narcissist”. Specific, recent and brief.
- Offer, then step back
Suggest one option, offer practical help, then leave it with them. A suggestion they come back to is worth more than an agreement you forced.
- Decide your own next step
What you’ll do if nothing changes is up to you, not them. Decide it calmly, ahead of time, and only say what you’ll follow through on.
STAYING OUT OF THE DRAMA
You don’t have to take the bait.
As Dr Gregory Lester teaches, you can’t talk someone out of their personality. More explaining usually means more conflict. What you can change is how you respond.
The trap
Justifying, arguing, defending and explainingInstead
Each explanation gives them something new to argue with. Say it once, briefly, then stop.The trap
Matching their intensityInstead
Two raised voices make a bigger fire. Lower your voice, slow down, or end the conversation.The trap
Ambushes and family interventionsInstead
A room full of people saying the same thing feels like an attack. One trusted person, one calm conversation.The trap
Ultimatums you won’t keepInstead
Empty threats teach that your limits don’t mean anything. Only say what you’ll do.The trap
Recruiting others to your sideInstead
It turns into a war of camps. Get support for yourself without building a case.The trap
Waiting for them to understandInstead
You may never get the acknowledgement you deserve from them. Get it elsewhere, so you don’t have to keep trying.
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
Rescuer, persecutor, victim: and the way out.
The drama triangle was described by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in 1968, and it’s one of the most useful maps I know for relationships with someone who has a personality disorder. It shows three roles people fall into when a relationship turns into drama. Nobody stays in one corner for long. The drama keeps going because everyone keeps swapping.
Dr Gregory Lester’s trainings focus on exactly this: recognising the dramas personality disorders create early, and refusing to take a part in them.
- The Rescuer“Let me fix it.” Smoothing things over, making excuses, cleaning up the mess, taking responsibility for their feelings. It feels like love. It usually keeps the pattern going.
- The Persecutor“This is all your fault.” Blaming, criticising, punishing. Many kind people end up here after rescuing for too long, when resentment finally boils over.
- The Victim“Poor me, I can’t do anything.” Feeling helpless, hopeless and stuck. Being in this corner doesn’t mean nothing bad has happened to you. It means the drama has taken your choices away.
How it plays out. You rescue them from a crisis. They turn on you for getting it wrong, and you’re now the victim. Hurt and exhausted, you finally snap, and now you’re the persecutor, and they’re the victim. Then the guilt kicks in, and you rescue again. Round and round.
How to step out. You don’t have to win the drama. You only have to stop playing a part in it. Instead of rescuing, offer support without taking over: “That sounds hard. What do you think you’ll do?” Instead of persecuting, state your limit once, calmly, and act on it. Instead of collapsing into helplessness, ask yourself what choice you still have, however small, and take it.
Every time you notice which corner you’re in and choose not to move to the next one, the drama loses a little of its fuel.
PART 3ADVICE FOR EACH TYPE
What helps depends on the pattern.
Each personality disorder has its own agenda, and its own traps. Read the questions below and choose the one that sounds most like the person you love, for specific advice on raising it with them.
Cluster AOdd or eccentric
- Always suspicious, always on guard?Paranoid personality disorderThink of characters like
- Jerry Fletcher (Conspiracy Theory)
- Mad-Eye Moody (Harry Potter)
- Fox Mulder (The X-Files)
- Seems not to need anyone at all?Schizoid personality disorderThink of characters like
- The Driver (Drive)
- Léon (Léon: The Professional)
- Amy Farrah Fowler (The Big Bang Theory)
- Unusual beliefs, odd experiences, hard to reach?Schizotypal personality disorderThink of characters like
- Kramer (Seinfeld)
- Phoebe Buffay (Friends)
- Donnie (Donnie Darko)
Cluster BDramatic, emotional or erratic
- Lies, risks and no remorse?Antisocial personality disorderThink of characters like
- Catherine Tramell (Basic Instinct)
- Tom Ripley (The Talented Mr. Ripley)
- Amy Dunne (Gone Girl)
- Intense love, intense fear of loss?Borderline personality disorderThink of characters like
- Chip Douglas (The Cable Guy)
- Dean (Blue Valentine)
- Tiffany Maxwell (Silver Linings Playbook)
- Always the drama, always centre stage?Histrionic personality disorderThink of characters like
- Blanche DuBois (A Streetcar Named Desire)
- Scarlett O’Hara (Gone with the Wind)
- Lynelle, Ashley’s mum (Colin from Accounts)
- Charming, then cruel, and never their fault?Narcissistic personality disorderThink of characters like
- Gordon Gekko (Wall Street)
- Cal Hockley (Titanic)
- Miranda Priestly (The Devil Wears Prada)
Cluster CAnxious or fearful
- Longing to connect, but too afraid to try?Avoidant personality disorderThink of characters like
- Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting)
- Charlie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
- Mr Stevens (The Remains of the Day)
- Leaning on you for everything?Dependent personality disorderThink of characters like
- The second Mrs de Winter (Rebecca)
- Nina Sayers (Black Swan)
- Bella Swan (Twilight)
- Rules, lists, and never good enough?Obsessive-compulsive personality disorderThink of characters like
- Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)
- Nurse Ratched (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
- Javert (Les Misérables)
These are fictional characters, often used to illustrate these traits. They’re written for drama, and none of them is a diagnosis. Real people are more complicated, and many show traits from more than one type.
LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF
You can’t make an adult get help.
That’s one of the hardest truths here. You can love someone, offer help, and set clear limits, and they may still say no. That isn’t your failure.
If they say no, you still have choices: how much contact you have, what you’ll tolerate, who supports you, and whether you stay. SANE Australia (1800 187 263) supports families and friends too, and Project Air has information for carers.
WHERE I COME IN
They need their own help. You deserve yours.
If you’ve been living alongside these patterns, you may be exhausted, anxious, second-guessing yourself and unsure who you are any more. That’s the part I help with: resolving the impact, settling your nervous system, rebuilding your confidence, and deciding what you want next.
I help women who are experiencing abuse from someone with a personality disorder, and women who need help managing a relationship with someone who has one. These relationships often bring a great deal of anxiety, trauma and drama into your life. I don’t diagnose or treat personality disorders. My work is with you: resolving the impact on your nervous system, your confidence and your sense of self, and helping you step out of the drama for good.
You don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me. I’m a private practice, so you can book a private 15-minute consultation directly. If I’m not the right fit for what you need, I’ll tell you honestly, and point you to who is.
Their pattern isn’t your responsibility. Your peace is.
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
This page draws on Australian health services, the diagnostic manual clinicians use (DSM-5-TR), and Dr Gregory Lester’s training on personality disorders.
- Personality disordershealthdirect AustraliaWhat personality disorders are, the main types, and where to get help in Australia.
- Project Air Strategy for Personality DisordersUniversity of WollongongAustralian information, guidelines and family and carer resources for personality disorders.
- SANESANE AustraliaInformation, peer support and counselling for people affected by complex mental health issues, including personality disorders.
- Gregory Lester, PhD: speaker profilePESIDr Lester’s background, including his 2,000+ personality disorder trainings and his role as an original research site for the DSM-5 personality disorders revision.
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