WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Walking on eggshells? It might be coercive control.
When someone controls your money, your friends, your phone and your sense of what’s real, it can happen so slowly you don’t see it. Here are the signs, what it does to you, and why it was never your fault.
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PART 1WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
No bruises. But you’ve slowly lost yourself.
If you’re reading this, part of you is probably wondering whether what’s happening to you counts. Here are some of the signs people describe.
If you’re in danger, call 000. For confidential help any time, call DVConnect Womensline on 1800 811 811 (Queensland, 24/7) or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 (Australia-wide, 24/7).
If you’re thinking about leaving, please talk to a domestic violence service first. The time around leaving can be when risk rises, and they can help you plan it safely.
- Walking on eggshellsYou’re always reading their mood, planning around it, and bracing for what kind of day it will be.
- A smaller worldYou see less of your friends and family. It may have happened so gradually that it felt like your choice.
- Money that isn’t yoursThey control the money, check what you spend, stop you working, or leave you in debt.
- Being watchedThey check your phone, track where you are, turn up unannounced, or expect to know where you are at all times.
- Rules and punishmentsThere are rules about what you wear, eat, say or who you see, and silence, sulking or anger when you break them.
- Doubting your own mindYou’re told you’re too sensitive, you remember it wrong, or you’re the problem, until you start to believe it.
- ThreatsThreats to leave, to take the children, to hurt a pet, to hurt themselves, or to tell people things about you.
- Pressure about sex or pregnancyBeing pressured into sex, or having choices about contraception or pregnancy taken from you.
- “It’s not abuse, they’ve never hit me”Coercive control often happens with little or no physical violence. That’s part of why it’s so hard to name.
PART 2WHAT IT IS
Not one fight. A pattern.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to take away someone’s freedom and sense of self. The idea comes from US sociologist Evan Stark, who described it as a mix of intimidation, isolation, degradation and control, with or without physical violence.
No single incident might look like much on its own. A comment here, a rule there, a check of your phone. It’s the pattern, and the fear underneath it, that does the damage. Over time, your choices shrink until you’re living the life they’ve decided for you.
It’s also one of the most important warning signs in domestic violence. When New South Wales reviewed intimate partner homicides between 2008 and 2016, coercive control was present in 111 of the 112 cases, usually before any serious physical violence.
QUEENSLAND LAW
It’s now a crime.
Since 26 May 2025, coercive control has been a criminal offence in Queensland, with a maximum penalty of 14 years’ imprisonment. It covers current and former partners, family members and informal carers.
The law recognises that domestic violence on more than one occasion, used to coerce or control someone, can cause serious harm, even when there are no physical injuries. It also makes it an offence for someone else, like a friend or family member, to intimidate a person protected by a domestic violence order on the abuser’s behalf.
You don’t have to decide anything about police today. But knowing the law sees this as serious can help you trust what you already know. Women’s Legal Service Queensland can explain your options for free.
PART 3WHAT’S HAPPENING
Your nervous system has been living on high alert.
When you can’t predict whether someone you live with will be warm or furious, your nervous system stays on guard. It scans their face, their tone, the sound of the car in the driveway. That constant vigilance is exhausting, and it can show up as anxiety, poor sleep, brain fog or feeling flat.
Your system also learns to keep the peace: agreeing, apologising, staying small. This is sometimes called the fawn response. It isn’t weakness. It’s one of the ways a nervous system protects you when fighting back or leaving doesn’t feel possible.
Over time, being told your memory and judgement can’t be trusted wears away your confidence in your own mind. Many women say that was the worst part: not what was done to them, but losing trust in themselves.
WHY IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU
Nothing about this means you’re weak.
Coercive control rarely starts with control. It usually starts with attention, intensity and feeling truly seen. The rules and restrictions come in slowly, each one small enough to explain away. By the time the pattern is clear, your world has been reshaped around it.
Intelligent, capable women aren’t protected from this. Often the qualities that make you good at life, like loyalty, empathy, problem-solving and being willing to look at your own part, are exactly what get used against you.
Staying, going back, defending them, or not being sure: all of these make sense when you’re living under that kind of pressure.
WHY THE USUAL ADVICE HASN’T HELPED
“Just leave” and “work on your communication” miss the point.
“Just leave” ignores the money, the children, the housing, the fear, and the very real risk that rises when someone leaves a controlling partner. Leaving is a process, and it’s safest with a plan.
Couples counselling is generally not recommended where there’s coercive control. The problem isn’t communication, and what you say in a session can be used against you afterwards. Most domestic violence services advise individual support instead.
Trying harder to keep them happy doesn’t work either, because the goalposts keep moving. That isn’t your failure. It’s how control works.
PART 4WHAT ACTUALLY CHANGES IT
Safety first. Then yourself.
The first step is safety, and you don’t have to work it out alone. A domestic violence service can help you understand what’s happening, plan for your safety whether you stay or go, and connect you with legal help.
Then there’s the work of coming back to yourself. Coercive control leaves its mark on your nervous system, your self-trust and the way you see yourself. That’s the work I do with clients: helping the alarm settle, then resolving the shame, self-doubt and fear it left behind, so you can trust your own mind again.
If we’re already working together, bring this to our next session. If anything about your safety has changed, please tell me straight away.
WHERE TO GET SUPPORT
You don’t have to work this out on your own.
- Emergency000Police · ambulance · 24/7If you’re in danger right now.
- DVConnect Womensline1800 811 811Queensland · free · 24/7Crisis counselling, safety planning, and emergency transport and accommodation. Men can call DVConnect Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight).
- 1800RESPECT1800 737 732Australia-wide · free · 24/7Counselling and support for anyone affected by domestic, family or sexual violence, by phone or online chat.
- Women’s Legal Service Queensland1800 957 957Queensland · free legal helpFree legal advice for women on domestic violence orders, family law, separation and parenting arrangements.
- Lifeline13 11 14Australia-wide · 24/7If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself.
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
Information on this page comes from Queensland Government and NSW Government sources.
- Coercive control lawsQueensland GovernmentWhat the Queensland coercive control law covers, who it applies to and the penalties.
- Coercive control discussion paperNSW Department of Communities and Justice, 2020Source of the 111 of 112 homicide review figure and Evan Stark’s description of coercive control.
- Coercive control is now a crimeQueensland Government media statement, 26 May 2025Announcement of the new offence and its 14-year maximum penalty.
Control isn’t love. And you’re allowed to trust what you know.
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