WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Out of the relationship, but still not free?
Replaying it, missing them, blaming yourself, not trusting your own judgement. If the relationship is over but it still has a hold on you, here’s why, and why it says nothing bad about you.
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PART 1WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
It’s over. So why can’t you let go?
Leaving, or being left, is often only the beginning. Here’s what many people notice afterwards.
- They’re still in your headReplaying conversations, rehearsing what you should have said, checking their social media even though it hurts.
- Missing them, and hating that you doLonging for the person you thought they were, while knowing what they did.
- Blaming yourselfWondering what you did wrong, or whether it was really as bad as you remember.
- Not trusting your own judgementIf you got it so wrong about them, how can you trust yourself with anyone, or anything, again?
- A deep sense of shameEmbarrassed that you stayed, that you went back, or that someone so capable could end up here.
- Your body hasn’t caught upJumpy, exhausted, not sleeping, anxious when your phone buzzes, or flat and empty.
A WORD ABOUT THE WORD
You don’t need a diagnosis to know it hurt.
‘Narcissistic abuse’ is a popular term, not a medical diagnosis. Narcissistic personality disorder is a real condition, but only a qualified clinician who has assessed someone can diagnose it, and the word ‘narcissist’ gets used very loosely online.
Here’s the good news: you don’t need to prove what they are to take what happened to you seriously. What matters is the pattern of behaviour, such as manipulation, control, contempt, lying and a lack of care for your feelings, and the effect it had on you.
So on this page, I talk about the pattern and about you, rather than trying to diagnose them.
PART 2THE PATTERN
Many people describe the same cycle.
- The highAt the start, it can feel like the most intense connection of your life: constant attention, big declarations, feeling completely seen. Online, this is often called ‘love bombing’.
- The slideThen the warmth starts to come and go. Criticism, coldness, moving goalposts and blame creep in, mixed with just enough of the old warmth to keep you hoping.
- The dropSudden withdrawal, silent treatment, or being discarded, often followed by them coming back when you start to move on.
These aren’t clinical terms. But if this cycle sounds familiar, you’re not imagining the pattern.
PART 3WHAT’S HAPPENING
Why it’s so hard to let go: the trauma bond.
In the early 1990s, Canadian psychologist Donald Dutton and his colleague Susan Painter studied women who had recently left abusive relationships. They found that strong emotional attachment often continued after the women had left. The two things that best predicted that attachment were abuse that came and went, mixed with good times, and an imbalance of power in the relationship. They called this a traumatic bond.
Here’s why it’s so powerful. When warmth and cruelty are unpredictable, your nervous system becomes hooked on the relief of the good moments. The same person who causes the pain becomes the one your system looks to for comfort. It’s a bit like the pull of a poker machine: it’s the unpredictability that keeps you there.
So when you miss them, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or that it wasn’t abuse. It means your attachment system did exactly what attachment systems do under those conditions.
WHY IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU
Your best qualities were used against you.
People in these relationships are often loyal, empathetic, hardworking and willing to look at their own part. You kept trying because you’re someone who doesn’t give up on people.
You fell for the person they showed you at the start. That person felt real because, for you, it was. It’s natural to grieve them, even when the person you were actually dealing with was someone else.
If you went back, more than once, that’s common too. It’s the trauma bond at work, not a lack of intelligence or self-respect.
WHY THE USUAL ADVICE HASN’T HELPED
“Just move on” doesn’t reach the bond.
“Just move on” and “you’re better off without them” are true, but they speak to the logical part of your brain. The pull you’re feeling lives in your attachment and survival systems, which don’t respond to logic.
Waiting for closure from them rarely works. An apology or explanation that truly takes responsibility may never come, and hoping for it can keep you tied to them.
Diving straight into dating can feel like proof you’re okay, but without healing the bond and the self-doubt, it’s easy to be drawn back into the same pattern with someone new.
PART 4WHAT ACTUALLY CHANGES IT
Breaking the bond from the inside.
Space and safety first. Recovery is much easier when there’s distance, so less contact wherever that’s possible and safe. If you share children, a domestic violence service or Women’s Legal Service Queensland can help you set up arrangements that protect you. If they’re harassing, monitoring or threatening you, that may be coercive control, which is now a crime in Queensland.
Then the deeper work. The trauma bond, the shame, the self-blame and the self-doubt are held in your nervous system, not just your thoughts. In my work with clients, we focus on resolving those at the root: settling the alarm, releasing the pull, and rebuilding trust in your own judgement, so you can choose differently from a place of strength.
If we’re already working together, bring this to our next session. Notice which parts of this page stood out for you.
WHERE TO GET SUPPORT
You don’t have to work this out on your own.
- Emergency000Police · ambulance · 24/7If you’re in danger right now.
- DVConnect Womensline1800 811 811Queensland · free · 24/7Crisis counselling, safety planning, and emergency transport and accommodation. Men can call DVConnect Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight).
- 1800RESPECT1800 737 732Australia-wide · free · 24/7Counselling and support for anyone affected by domestic, family or sexual violence, by phone or online chat.
- Women’s Legal Service Queensland1800 957 957Queensland · free legal helpFree legal advice for women on domestic violence orders, family law, separation and parenting arrangements.
- Lifeline13 11 14Australia-wide · 24/7If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself.
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
- Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: a test of traumatic bonding theoryDutton and Painter, Violence and Victims, 1993The study of 75 women showing how intermittent abuse and power imbalance create a lasting bond.
- Is the label ‘narcissist’ being overused?Kaytee Gillis, Psychology Today, 2022Why the word ‘narcissist’ is used loosely, and why the harm to survivors is still real.
- Coercive control lawsQueensland GovernmentWhen ongoing control, monitoring or harassment becomes a crime in Queensland.
Missing them doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. It means you’re human.
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