ASK “WHOSE VOICE IS THIS?”
Often you’ll recognise the tone or the words. That alone creates a little distance.
WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. That voice in your head? It isn’t the truth.
“You’re useless.” “Everyone else is coping.” “You should be over this by now.” Here’s where a harsh inner critic comes from, and how to start turning its volume down in the meantime.
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WHERE IT COMES FROM
You didn’t invent that voice.
Nobody is born with a cruel inner critic. It’s usually the absorbed voice of someone whose approval once mattered for your safety: a parent, a teacher, a partner, or a world that expected a lot of you.
Your mind learned to criticise you first, so you could fix yourself before anyone else did. It was trying to protect you. It just never learned to stop.
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
Recognise any of these?
- Name-callingIdiot. Useless. Pathetic. Words you’d never say to anyone else.
- Mind-reading“They think I’m boring.” “She’s annoyed with me.”
- All-or-nothingOne mistake, and the whole day (or the whole of you) is a failure.
- ComparisonEveryone else is coping better, achieving more, doing it right.
- “Shoulds”I should be over this. I should be able to handle it.
- Discounting the goodCompliments slide off. Mistakes stick like glue.
WHY IT FEELS SO TRUE
Familiar isn’t the same as true.
When you’ve heard a voice for most of your life, it stops sounding like an opinion and starts sounding like a fact. That’s familiarity, not accuracy.
Arguing with it rarely works, because the critic isn’t running on logic. It’s running on an old belief that being hard on yourself is what keeps you safe and acceptable.
WHEN IT STARTS UP
Four ways to turn the volume down.
You don’t have to win the argument. You just have to stop taking orders from it.
NAME IT
“There’s the critic again.” Notice it the way you’d notice a radio playing in another room.
TALK TO YOURSELF LIKE A FRIEND
What would you say to a close friend who said this about herself? Say that to yourself, even if it feels awkward.
SWAP “ALWAYS” FOR “THIS TIME”
“I always stuff things up” becomes “This didn’t go how I wanted, this time.”
EVERY DAY
Small habits that help.
- Three thingsAt the end of the day, write down three things you did well or handled, however small.
- Catch the “shoulds”Swap one “I should” for “I’d like to” or “I’m choosing to”, and notice how it feels.
- Take in the goodWhen someone says something kind, pause and let it land before you brush it off.
It will feel clunky at first. That’s normal. You’re practising a new voice, and new voices take time to sound natural.
WHEN TO GET HELP SOONER
Please don’t wait if…
The voice tells you that you don’t deserve to be here, or that people would be better off without you. Please reach out now: Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7), or 000 in an emergency.
Low mood has settled in for more than a couple of weeks, or you’ve stopped enjoying things. Book in with your GP, who can talk through what’s happening and your options.
COPING OR RESOLVING?
You shouldn’t have to keep coping with this.
Coping tools can help you get through a moment. They don’t change why it keeps happening.
My work is different. I don’t teach coping techniques. In session, we work on the patterns driving the symptom – the alarm underneath, and what set it off – with the aim of resolving it, so you’re not left managing it for the rest of your life.
That voice learned to be hard on you to keep you safe. It can learn to be kind.
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