WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Starting to doubt your own mind?
If you constantly second-guess yourself, apologise for things you’re not sure you did, or keep screenshots just to prove you’re not imagining it, this is for you. Here are the signs of gaslighting, and why they work so well on good, thoughtful people.
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PART 1WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
You used to trust yourself. Now you’re not so sure.
Gaslighting is hard to spot from the inside, because it works by making you doubt the very thing you’d use to spot it: your own mind.
- You second-guess everythingWhether something really happened, whether you said what you think you said, whether you’re overreacting.
- You apologise constantlyEven when you’re not sure what you did. It’s easier than another argument about whose memory is right.
- “Am I too sensitive?”You’ve been told it so often that you’ve started saying it about yourself.
- You keep proofScreenshots, notes, saved messages, not to show anyone, but to prove to yourself that you’re not imagining it.
- Conversations leave you confusedYou go in with a clear concern and come out apologising, unsure how the conversation turned around.
- You don’t feel like yourselfLess confident, more anxious, less able to make decisions. People who knew you before may have noticed too.
Things the other person may do: deny saying things you clearly heard; insist events happened differently; call you crazy, dramatic or forgetful; turn your concern into an attack on them; tell others you’re unstable; or trivialise what you feel (“you’re making a big deal out of nothing”).
PART 2WHAT IT IS
Being made to doubt your own reality.
The word comes from Gaslight, a 1938 play that became a 1944 film. A husband secretly dims the gas lights in the house, then insists his wife is imagining it, until she starts to believe she’s losing her mind.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse: a pattern of denying, twisting or rewriting what happened, so that you stop trusting your own memory, perception and judgement. The goal, whether it’s conscious or not, is control. If you can’t trust your own mind, you’ll rely on theirs.
It became so widely recognised that Merriam-Webster named it its word of the year in 2022, after searches for it rose by 1,740%. US sociologist Paige Sweet found that gaslighting often draws on old stereotypes, like the idea that women are emotional or irrational, to make the person on the receiving end seem ‘crazy’, both to themselves and to others.
AN IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE
Gaslighting, or a normal disagreement?
- A normal disagreementTwo people remember something differently, talk it through, and can live with not agreeing. Your feelings are taken seriously even when they see things another way. You come away still trusting yourself.
- GaslightingYour version of events is consistently denied or overridden. Your feelings are dismissed or turned against you. It happens again and again, and you come away more confused, more anxious and less sure of yourself each time.
The question isn’t “who’s right?” It’s “how do I feel about myself after we talk?”
PART 3WHAT’S HAPPENING
Why it gets under your skin.
As humans, we check our version of reality against the people closest to us. It’s how we’re wired as social beings. So when someone you love and trust keeps telling you your reality is wrong, part of your brain takes that very seriously.
Living with ongoing stress also makes memory feel less certain, and the more anxious and unsure you feel, the more believable “you’re confused” starts to sound. It becomes a loop: the gaslighting creates the anxiety, and the anxiety makes the gaslighting more convincing.
Over time, you stop trusting your gut, your memory and your feelings. That loss of self-trust is the real injury, and it often lasts long after the relationship ends.
WHY IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU
It works because you’re fair.
Gaslighting works best on people who are thoughtful, reflective and willing to consider that they might be wrong. Those are good qualities. They just get used against you.
If you’ve ever thought, “But I’m an intelligent woman, how did I fall for this?”, please hear this: intelligence doesn’t protect you from being lied to by someone you trust. Trust is what makes it possible.
WHY THE USUAL ADVICE HASN’T HELPED
Why “trust your gut” isn’t enough.
“Just trust your gut” sounds simple, but your gut is exactly what’s been targeted. After months or years of being told you’re wrong, your instincts may feel scrambled.
Arguing the facts rarely works, because it was never really about the facts. Each time you bring proof, the story shifts, and you end up more exhausted and less sure.
Being told to “communicate better” puts the problem back on you. It isn’t a communication problem.
PART 4WHAT ACTUALLY CHANGES IT
Rebuilding trust in yourself.
The first step is often simply naming it. Many women describe a huge sense of relief when they realise there’s a word for what’s been happening, and that they’re not losing their mind.
Outside reference points help: trusted friends or family, a domestic violence counsellor, or someone who knew you before. If you keep a private record of what happens, keep it somewhere the other person can’t access, as finding it could put you at risk.
Gaslighting is often part of a wider pattern of coercive control, so it’s worth reading about that too, and talking to a domestic violence service if you’re feeling afraid.
In my work with clients, we focus on what the gaslighting left behind: the self-doubt, the anxiety, the shame and the habit of handing your reality over to someone else. The aim is that you can trust your own mind again.
If we’re already working together, bring this to our next session.
WHERE TO GET SUPPORT
You don’t have to work this out on your own.
- Emergency000Police · ambulance · 24/7If you’re in danger right now.
- DVConnect Womensline1800 811 811Queensland · free · 24/7Crisis counselling, safety planning, and emergency transport and accommodation. Men can call DVConnect Mensline on 1800 600 636 (9am to midnight).
- 1800RESPECT1800 737 732Australia-wide · free · 24/7Counselling and support for anyone affected by domestic, family or sexual violence, by phone or online chat.
- Women’s Legal Service Queensland1800 957 957Queensland · free legal helpFree legal advice for women on domestic violence orders, family law, separation and parenting arrangements.
- Lifeline13 11 14Australia-wide · 24/7If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself.
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
- ‘Gaslighting’ is Merriam-Webster’s word of the year for 2022ABC7 News (US), November 2022The origin of the term and the 2022 rise in searches.
- The Sociology of GaslightingPaige L. Sweet, American Sociological Review, 2019 (summary)How gaslighting draws on stereotypes and inequality to make victims seem ‘crazy’.
- Coercive control discussion paperNSW Department of Communities and Justice, 2020Lists gaslighting as one of the tactics of coercive control.
You’re not losing your mind. You’re finding it again.
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