WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Lies, risks, and no remorse? Antisocial personality disorder.
Loving someone who lies, takes risks and seems not to care who gets hurt is exhausting, and can be dangerous. Here’s what antisocial personality disorder is, why safety comes before any conversation, and what tends to work when you want them to get help.
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PART 1WHAT IT IS
What is antisocial personality disorder?
Antisocial personality disorder is a long-standing pattern of disregarding and violating the rights of others: deceit, rule-breaking, impulsiveness, aggression and a lack of remorse.
It can only be diagnosed in adults (18 and over), and only when there were signs of conduct problems before age 15. “Psychopathy” is related but isn’t the same thing: it’s a narrower term for the most callous end of the range. It’s far more common in men, and belongs to Cluster B, the “dramatic, emotional or erratic” group.
Cluster BDramatic, emotional or erratic
What it can look like from the outside
- Repeated lying and conningUsing charm, stories or false identities to get money, sex or advantage.
- ImpulsiveActs first, doesn’t plan ahead, and lands in the same trouble again.
- Irritable and aggressiveFights, threats or assaults.
- Reckless with safetyTheir own and other people’s: driving, drugs, risky deals.
- Irresponsible with work and moneyDoesn’t hold jobs, doesn’t pay debts, leaves others to cover.
- Little remorseShrugs off hurting people, or blames the person they hurt.
WHAT’S UNDERNEATH
The agenda that doesn’t change.
Dr Gregory Lester teaches that every personality disorder is organised around an agenda: a core need that stays the same whatever the situation, and drives how the person sees you and responds to you. Once you can see the agenda, the behaviour starts to make sense, and you can stop taking it so personally.
Here’s how I’d sum up the agenda in antisocial personality disorder: To get what they want, when they want it, and never be controlled. Other people tend to be seen as a means to that end.
Where it comes from. Genetics play a part, along with childhood conduct problems, abuse, neglect, chaotic homes and early exposure to violence. Alcohol and drug problems often sit alongside it.
Easily confused with
- AddictionLying, stealing and risk-taking driven by addiction can ease a great deal in recovery.
- ADHDImpulsiveness and rule-breaking, but usually with genuine remorse afterwards.
- Narcissistic personality disorderThere’s overlap. Narcissistic traits are driven more by the need for admiration; antisocial traits by gain and control.
PART 2IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS IT
How to raise it without the drama.
Before you say anything
Be honest with yourself about safety first. Someone with these traits may respond to feeling “found out” with anger, threats or manipulation. If there has been violence, threats or control, don’t raise it alone. Talk to a domestic violence service first and make a plan.
Second, be clear that you can’t make them change. Real change is uncommon unless they want something for themselves: to stay out of court, keep a licence or a job, see their kids, or get off drugs. Help works best when it’s tied to their own interests, not to your hurt.
What tends to help
- Make a safety plan first
Know where you’d go, who you’d call, and what you’d take. DVConnect and 1800RESPECT can help you plan, even if you’re not sure it counts as abuse.
- Link help to what they want
“If you want to keep your licence and stay out of court, getting help with the drinking and the temper will count.”
- Talk about consequences, not character
Name what’s already happening (the debts, the charges, the job) without calling them names.
- Be brief and factual
Pleading and moralising give them something to push against. Say it plainly, once.
- Hold the consequences you set
If you said you won’t pay their debts again, don’t. Follow-through is the only message that lands.
- Use the systems that exist
Courts, drug and alcohol services, and men’s behaviour change programs exist for exactly this. The Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) works with men who use violence.
Drama traps to step around
Most of these traps are a corner of the drama triangle: rescuing, attacking or collapsing. Seeing which corner you’ve been pulled into is the first step out.
The trap
Believing promises after a crisisInstead
Watch what they do over months, not what they say after getting caught.The trap
Covering for themInstead
Paying debts, lying to employers or police shields them from the consequences that might motivate change.The trap
Appealing to empathyInstead
“Think how this makes me feel” can be noted and used as leverage later.The trap
Arguing to winInstead
They may out-argue you, or escalate. Neither helps you.
You can offer help. You can’t make an adult take it. For more on staying out of the drama, read Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
PART 3WHAT HELP LOOKS LIKE
Help for them, and where to start.
Antisocial personality disorder is the hardest personality disorder to treat, and there’s no medication for it. Help usually focuses on specific behaviours: alcohol and drug use, anger and violence, and staying out of trouble with the law. Some newer therapies are being studied for it.
For some people, antisocial behaviour eases with age, often from their 40s onwards. But that isn’t something to wait for at your own expense.
WHERE I COME IN
They need their own help. You deserve yours.
Women who’ve loved someone with these traits often come out of it doubting everything: their judgement, their memory, their worth. I help women recover from that kind of relationship, resolve the trauma it left behind, and rebuild trust in themselves.
I help women who are experiencing abuse from someone with a personality disorder, and women who need help managing a relationship with someone who has one. These relationships often bring a great deal of anxiety, trauma and drama into your life. I don’t diagnose or treat personality disorders. My work is with you: resolving the impact on your nervous system, your confidence and your sense of self, and helping you step out of the drama for good.
You don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me. I’m a private practice, so you can book a private 15-minute consultation directly. If I’m not the right fit for what you need, I’ll tell you honestly, and point you to who is.
You can’t love someone into a conscience. You can protect your own life.
THE PERSONALITY DISORDERS SERIES
Read about each type.
What is a personality disorder? · The 10 types at a glance · Do you suspect someone you love has a personality disorder?
WHERE THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM
Sources.
This page draws on Australian health services, the diagnostic manual clinicians use (DSM-5-TR), and Dr Gregory Lester’s training on personality disorders.
- Personality disordershealthdirect AustraliaWhat personality disorders are, the main types, and where to get help in Australia.
- Project Air Strategy for Personality DisordersUniversity of WollongongAustralian information, guidelines and family and carer resources for personality disorders.
- SANESANE AustraliaInformation, peer support and counselling for people affected by complex mental health issues, including personality disorders.
- Gregory Lester, PhD: speaker profilePESIDr Lester’s background, including his 2,000+ personality disorder trainings and his role as an original research site for the DSM-5 personality disorders revision.
YOUR NEXT STEP · BRISBANE AND WORLDWIDE
Whenever you’re ready...
Want to talk it through?
If we’re already working together, bring this to our next session, or email me any time between sessions.
If a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder is taking a toll on you, you’re welcome to book a private 15-minute consultation. No referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan needed. No pressure and no obligation – just an honest conversation about whether I’m the right fit, and if not, who is.
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