“JUST TALK TO THEM”
You raise it calmly and get silence, blame or your words twisted back at you. Then you’re the one apologising.
WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Second-guessing yourself all the time? There may be a reason.
If you keep asking friends “is it me?”, feel guilty for things you can’t quite name, and never know which version of your partner you’ll get, this is for you.
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FIRST, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
If your gut keeps telling you something’s off, it’s worth listening to.
Your body often notices a problem before your mind can name it. The knot in your stomach when they walk in. Rehearsing what you’ll say. The relief when they’re out.
Feeling confused is information, not proof that you’re the problem. Confusion is often what happens when what you’re told doesn’t match what you’re living.
You don’t need the right words for it yet. You just need to stop talking yourself out of what you notice.
WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
Does any of this sound familiar?
- Guilt that’s out of proportionYou’re told you’re “not affectionate enough” or that you ruined the day, and you end up apologising for something you can’t quite pin down.
- Hot and coldWarmth and attention, then silence or withdrawal, often with no clear reason. You find yourself working hard to get the warmth back.
- Your past used against youYour childhood, your parents or a previous relationship brought up to explain why you’re the problem.
- Your mental health used as a weaponYour anxiety, or the fact that you see a therapist, turned into proof you can’t be trusted, or into a threat.
- Threats about the children, or about leavingHints or statements about what will happen to the kids, the money or you if you ever go.
- “Is it me?”You check your reactions with friends, and they keep telling you it isn’t you. Somehow, that doesn’t settle it.
If several of these sound familiar, it’s worth taking seriously, even if each one on its own seems small.
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Three patterns that keep you doubting yourself.
Guilt-tripping is when guilt is used to steer what you do. Instead of a direct request, you’re made to feel selfish, cold or ungrateful until you give in. Over time, you start doing things to avoid that feeling, not because you want to.
Gaslighting is when what you saw, heard or felt is denied or rewritten. “That never happened.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” Repeated often enough, it makes you trust your own memory less and their version more. I’ve written more about it in Signs of gaslighting.
Manipulation is the wider umbrella: hot-and-cold treatment, using what you’ve shared in confidence, keeping you unsure of where you stand.
What they have in common is the effect. You spend more energy questioning yourself and less noticing what’s actually happening. And when you doubt yourself, it’s much harder to decide anything, including whether to stay.
You don’t have to work out anyone’s intentions to take your own experience seriously.
WHY IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU
If it feels familiar, there’s a reason.
If you grew up around conflict, unpredictability or family violence, you probably learnt early to read the mood in the room and keep the peace. That skill kept you safe. It can also make these patterns feel normal, and harder to spot as an adult.
If you live with anxiety, you may already be used to doubting yourself, so being told you’re overreacting can land as one more thing you got wrong.
Living with this kind of stress for a long time takes a toll. Your nervous system stays on alert, and that can show up as anxiety, panic attacks or intrusive thoughts, sometimes long before you’ve named what’s going on at home.
None of this means something is wrong with you. It means your system has been working hard to keep you safe.
WHY THE USUAL ADVICE HASN’T HELPED
Why trying harder keeps you stuck.
When something feels off, it makes sense to try to fix it. But each of these quietly relies on someone else to tell you what’s real.
TRYING HARDER TO PLEASE
You become more careful, more giving, more agreeable. The goalposts keep moving.
COLLECTING OUTSIDE OPINIONS
Friends say it isn’t you, but you still can’t believe it. Other people’s views can’t replace trust in your own.
WAITING FOR IT TO GET BETTER
The good patches give you hope, so you wait. Meanwhile, your confidence keeps wearing down.
Each one hands your power to someone who may not be fully for you. What helps is getting it back.
WHEN TO GET HELP SOONER
Please don’t wait if…
You’ve been threatened about custody or “losing the kids”. Get free legal advice before you make any decisions: Legal Aid Queensland on 1300 65 11 88, Women’s Legal Service Queensland on 1800 957 957, or the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321 (Monday to Friday 8am–8pm, Saturday 10am–4pm). Having anxiety, or seeing a therapist, doesn’t automatically count against you as a parent. A lawyer is the right person to tell you where you stand.
It’s affecting your sleep, your eating or your ability to cope. This is exactly what I work with, and you don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me: book a private 15-minute consultation. If your sleep or appetite has changed a lot, see your GP too, so anything physical can be ruled out.
WHAT ACTUALLY CHANGES IT
When you trust what you notice, the fog starts to lift.
Clarity rarely comes from more arguing or more analysing. It comes from feeling steady enough to see what’s in front of you.
That’s how I work with my clients. We start by settling your nervous system, so you’re not making decisions from fear, guilt or exhaustion. Then we get curious. What are they saying and doing? How does your body respond? What do you notice when you’re not busy managing someone else’s mood?
You don’t have to decide anything big yet. Once you trust what you’re noticing, it becomes much easier to get clear on what you want, and what you’re willing to accept.
If we’re already working together, notice what stood out for you as you read this, and bring it to our next session.
Your confusion is information, not a flaw. You’re allowed to trust yourself again.
YOUR NEXT STEP · BRISBANE AND WORLDWIDE
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