WOMEN’S SPECIALIST PSYCHOTHERAPIST Private Online Therapy · Worldwide · Brisbane-Based Client resources. Can’t think straight since your loss? Here’s why.
Reading the same page three times. Walking into a room and forgetting why. Losing the thread mid-sentence. After a loss, your mind can feel slow, foggy and unreliable. You’re not losing it. Your brain is doing something completely understandable.
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WHAT YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING
Like thinking through wet sand.
- Foggy and slowYour thoughts feel thick and sluggish, as if there’s cotton wool between you and the world.
- Forgetting thingsAppointments, names, where you put your keys, why you walked into the room.
- Can’t take things inReading the same paragraph over and over, or losing the thread of a conversation halfway through.
- Decisions feel impossibleEven small choices, like what to eat or what to reply to an email, feel like too much.
- Losing timeHours disappear. Days blur into each other.
- Tired all the timeExhausted, yet sleep doesn’t seem to restore you.
WHAT’S HAPPENING IN YOUR BRAIN
Your brain is under a heavy load, and it’s prioritising.
Losing someone is one of the biggest stresses a person can go through. Your nervous system treats a major loss much like a threat, and it responds the same way: your stress response switches on, and it can stay on for weeks or months. Stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline stay higher for longer than they’re designed to.
That matters, because the part of your brain that does your clear thinking, the prefrontal cortex just behind your forehead, works best when you feel safe and settled. It handles focus, planning, decisions and your working memory, the mental notepad that holds information while you use it. Under ongoing stress, your brain shifts its resources away from that thinking part and towards the older, faster parts that deal with survival and feeling. Your brain’s alarm centre, the amygdala, stays more switched on. It isn’t a fault. It’s a priority system.
Your brain is also doing an enormous job in the background. Over years, it learned a world with this person in it: their voice, their routines, where they’d be and what they’d say. Now it has to update that map, again and again, every time something reminds you they’re not here. Each update takes mental energy, often without you even noticing, and that leaves less for everything else.
Then there’s sleep. Grief often disrupts it, and sleep is when your brain recovers and stores the day’s memories. With less of it, concentration and memory suffer even more.
Put all of that together and you have a brain running on high alert, on less sleep, while doing a huge job in the background. Brain fog is simply what that feels like from the inside. Some people call it “grief brain”.
WHY IT MAKES SENSE
You’re not losing it. You’re grieving.
Many people are frightened by this part of grief. They worry something is seriously wrong with them, or that they’ll never feel sharp again. If that’s you, I want you to hear this: trouble concentrating, forgetfulness and feeling slow are common after a loss. They’re part of how a brain responds to grief, not a sign that you’re failing or falling apart.
It can be especially unsettling if you’re usually the capable one, the person who keeps everything running. You might expect to push through, get back to work and carry on as normal. But grief doesn’t respond to willpower. Your brain is putting its energy where it believes it’s needed most right now.
For many people, the fog starts to lift gradually as the shock settles, sleep improves and the nervous system calms. There’s no set timeline, and it often comes in waves. A clear week followed by a foggy one doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. Anniversaries, birthdays and unexpected reminders can bring it back for a while, and that’s normal too.
WHY THE USUAL ADVICE HASN’T HELPED
You can’t push through a nervous system on high alert.
“Keep busy.” “Get back into your routine.” “Just focus.” It’s well meant. But while your system is still in survival mode, pushing harder usually leaves you more exhausted, and more frustrated with yourself when your mind won’t cooperate.
Lists, reminders and calendar alerts can help you get through the day, and there’s nothing wrong with leaning on them. They work around the fog, though. They don’t clear it.
And telling yourself you “should be over it by now” adds another layer of stress, which is the very thing keeping the fog in place.
WHAT HELPS THE FOG LIFT
When your system feels safe, your mind comes back online.
The fog clears as your nervous system comes out of survival mode. You can’t force that, but you can make it easier.
Expect less of yourself for a while. Your brain is doing important work, so give it less to carry: fewer decisions, simpler days, and permission to forget things. Write things down so your mind doesn’t have to hold them.
Look after what your brain runs on. Regular meals, water, daylight, gentle movement and as much sleep as you can get. They sound small, but they send your body a steady message that it’s safe to stand down.
Make room for the grief itself. When feelings are pushed down so you can keep going, your system has to work even harder to hold them back. Time to feel, talk, cry or remember isn’t time wasted. It frees up energy.
Sometimes, though, a loss leaves the nervous system stuck on high alert long after the first shock has passed. That’s the work I do with my clients. We start with your nervous system, helping it settle so you feel safe in your own body again. Then we resolve what’s keeping it on alert, so your mind has room to think clearly again.
If we’re already working together, notice what stood out for you as you read this, and bring it to our next session.
WHEN TO GET HELP SOONER
Please don’t wait if…
You’re having thoughts of not wanting to be here, or of ending your life. Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 (24/7), or 000 in an emergency.
The fog is getting worse rather than slowly easing, or it’s come with other changes such as headaches, confusion or new physical symptoms. See your GP, who can check for physical causes like thyroid, iron or vitamin B12 levels, a sleep problem, or side effects from medication.
Your mind and body still feel stuck on high alert, or you can’t sleep, eat or function at work or at home. This is exactly what I work with, and you don’t need a referral or Mental Health Treatment Plan to see me: book a private 15-minute consultation. If you can’t sleep or eat, see your GP too, so anything physical can be ruled out.
A year or more on, the grief is still so intense that it stops you living your life. This is sometimes called prolonged grief, and it deserves proper care. Please come and see me: book a private 15-minute consultation. You don’t need a referral, and if I’m not the right person for you, I’ll help you find the support that is.
You’d like to talk to someone who understands grief. GriefLine (now part of SANE Australia) offers free telephone support on 1300 845 745, weekdays 10am–8pm AEST/AEDT, and free online grief forums, open 24/7, at griefline.org.au.
Your mind isn’t broken. It’s carrying something heavy. With time and care, it can clear.
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